The Desert…
I was 22 and a few months out of my first real relationship when I went to Burning Man. It was a time for new blooming and bubble bursting but the thought of wearing pink tights and tutus while mingling with scantily-clad strangers in the middle of the Black Rock Desert for 10 days, scared the crap out of me.
I was consumed by questions…
What will it be like?
Do I really have to bring that much water?
Will I still have fun if I don’t do drugs?
What if I don’t look cool in my outfits?
What if I get hit by an art car?
What if my bike gets stolen?
While these were valid concerns in theory, the actual apprehension came from knowing that my shy, nervous and inexperienced self would inevitably have to expand beyond my comfort zone. Human beings crave and avoid growth because it means change and yes my friends, we do fear change.
As we set up camp the first day, a fellow newbie and I were speculating on the new journey that lay before us when he prolifically asked me how intimate I can be with the unknown. I took a long pause, staring out into the empty desert. Then and there a recurring theme was born: Get up close. Dive in. Be at risk. Face the fear.
Eventually, I did put on the tutu and in 10 days time I had confronted almost everything I had been worried about. I’d be lying if I said it was anything close to the perfectly magical vacation that most people imagine Burning Man to be. Instead, it was full of ups and downs, frustrations and tests of patience. But I did survive and I left the desert a braver soul than I when arrived.
“Life takes us by surprise and orders us to move toward the unknown — even when we don’t want to and when we think we don’t need to.”
— Paulo Coelho (By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept)
New York City…
Fast forward to August 2011. After years of deliberation and many reasonable excuses to stay put in Salt Lake City, I got on a plane and moved to New York City. Not for a job or school or to run away but simply to feel that fear again and be forced to navigate my way through it.
So here I am, almost 2 years into this proverbial ass kicking. I’ve already had two jobs, moved more times than I’m willing to publicly admit, survived 2 hurricanes, and experienced more relationship ups and downs than I can count. This city has given me exactly what I had been craving and has taught me more than I knew I needed to learn. Sometimes it does so in a loving way. Sometimes I just want to kick it right back and run home.
Fear and Self Expression
I naively assumed that simply occupying space in this town would kick my creativity into high gear. Not the case. Even after an abundance of self-discovery, I’ve still felt stuck in my pursuit of self expression. I’ve complained about this plenty and recently a trusted mentor asked me to consider that I’m ultimately just afraid of failure, pointing out that my attitude is “yeah but” and “what if?” to almost everything. Gulp.
That’s a hard pill to swallow but it began an inquiry…
My belief has been that I should know what I want with absolute certainty before I set out to create it. Otherwise (I fear), anything I do will be a waste of time and energy and I’ve made that mistake before (read: college).
Fair enough. But I kept digging…
Create (as a verb) is defined as: to cause to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes.
That would not naturally evolve. Meaning that whatever it is you want won’t exist until YOU cause it to come into being, right now, just as you are, wherever you are.
Yeah, but…
What if?..
I’m not sure…
I’m not ready…
While these statements are as valid as my worry of getting hit by an art car, they keep us in a constant state of needing to know. And it’s the needing to know that trips us up. From what I can tell, creation (see definition) can only happen in the realm of not knowing. In fact, I’m going to go ahead and make the claim that absolute certainty is the antithesis of creation.
The Unknown is where the gold is.
“Uncertainty is an uncomfortable position.”
But certainty is an absurd one.
— Voltaire
Beyond the city and the desert…
Leonardo DiVinci carried the Mona Lisa around for several years, constantly tweaking it. While it’s probably safe to say he was striving for some kind of perfection, he didn’t wait until he had mastered his painting technique before putting brush to canvas.
Thomas Edison discovered hundreds, if not thousands (there is some debate on the actual number) of ways his light bulb didn’t work before finding one that did. I’m guessing that he probably didn’t concern himself with whether or not the light bulb was his life’s mission before experimenting.
Or take Shakespeare—do you think the Bard had even a clue that his work would be celebrated annually in cities all over the world? Or that so many of our “modern day sayings” came directly from his quill? Nah. He just did his work.
“I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking.”
— Albert Einstein
“The chief enemy of creativity is good sense.”
— Pablo Picasso
Being faced with the endless unknown is in fact, a gift. THE key to the kingdom. Without it, nothing can rise up or naturally evolve. What if you (I) stopped trying to control the outcome of every moment? What if you dove into whatever ideas have been swimming in your head and gave up your anxiety about the end result?
Might your masterpiece be right there, on the other side?
“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.”
― Joseph Campbell
“If we listened to our intellect we’d never have a love affair. We’d never have a friendship. We’d never go in business because we’d be cynical: “It’s gonna go wrong.” Or “She’s going to hurt me.” Or, “I’ve had a couple of bad love affairs, so therefore …” Well, that’s nonsense. You’re going to miss life. You’ve got to jump off the cliff all the time and build your wings on the way down.”
― Ray Bradbury
“Every day we slaughter our finest impulses. That is why we get a heartache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty. Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source. There is no mystery about the origin of things. We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, only to discover what is already there.”
— Henry Miller
Your turn:
What are your finest impulses?
What does logic or rational thinking tell you about pursuing them?
Yeah but…
What if?
I don’t know.
Yep, you don’t know. Which means you have the first tool necessary to create. Congrats.
What are you waiting for?
I’m going to go take my own advice now…
Monday, May 6, 2013 at 2:13PM 
. Because it’s my favorite.